All the F*ck$

This morning as I was perusing my FaceBook timeline, I came across a friend who posted a selfie and amongst her commentary was that she gave “absolutely no fux” because she completely embraces everything about herself.

My first gut reaction was complete jealousy.

On occasion, I will let the phrase “I give zero fucks” come out of my mouth. Usually it applies to something at work because someone has said or done something that is irrelevant to my world (that’s the kind of cockiness that comes with doing what I’ve done for more than two decades). But the truth is that there is always part of me for which that is a lie.

You see, I really do give a fuck. I actually tend to give all of them.

I am a naturally empathic, nurturing person. I give all of myself to the people, causes, tasks, etc that I care about. And I pay one hell of a price for it.

I have incredible difficulty distancing myself emotionally once I’m invested emotionally. I can’t simply flip the switch on and off.

And I’m not sure I want to be able to.

Yes, there is value in distance. There can be value in putting up walls, boundaries, barriers between your emotions and the things you have to do in this world. It’s about self-preservation. But there’s a cost to that too. It is entirely possible to become so accustomed to having to place that distance, that you begin to struggle to have connection.

The key is balance.

Each of us has to find a way to balance between the idea of giving zero fucks and giving all the fucks.

There is absolutely no right or wrong way to do this – only the way that works best for you in your life and your particular situations.

For me at the moment, my life is in chaos in more ways than I care to count. The result has been emotions out of control, lack of sleep, too much stress, and general misery. Because I’ve permitted my fuck-giving-pendulum to swing too far to one extreme. I have allowed all of the external influencers to pull me out of my stability.

My work now is to reestablish some boundaries and walls that I took down, so that I can protect myself, while being true to myself. To relearn the proper amount of fucks to give. To accept that there will be times, circumstances, and situations where in my heart I give every fuck I’ve got, but that on the outside I have to/need to/want to give a lesser amount of them – maybe even zero – in order to stop myself from being destroyed beyond repair.

I have to give all the fucks I’ve got…about myself first.